A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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