I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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