Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
