The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
