If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
