Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
