Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
