i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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