Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
