I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
