Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
