he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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