I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
