be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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