saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
