Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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