At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
