WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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