why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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