She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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