The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
