I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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