my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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