you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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