Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
