life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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