Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
