I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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