I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
