Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
