haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
