Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
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i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel