So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
