Swine flu. Run for my life!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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