I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
