The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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