don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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