Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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