Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
