It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
