i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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