I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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