I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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