dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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