Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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