Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
