my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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