I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
