Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
