Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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