I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
