I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My dick has a subreddit
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
