Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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