I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
