If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
