Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
pray to the hookup gods
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
