I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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