He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
