If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
