First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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