I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
