I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Your dad touched me again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
