You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
